There once was a time, long, long ago, in the very desirable inner ring suburb they named Hyde Park, in the land called Cincinnati, wherein a new restaurant would open and flourish, simply by the grace and patronage of the aforementioned Hyde Parkers and the adjacency to their palatial estates.
Much like the flowery language of the above paragraph, that time has come and gone as well. No longer is a prime location on Hyde Park Square simply the only ingredient required to make a successful restaurant, and old standby Teller’s seems to be suffering greatly in almost every area, from service, to décor, to the food itself. As Cincinnati’s star continues to rise on the national culinary scene, restaurants like Teller’s that have settled into a routine of subpar mediocrity will find themselves choked out not only by hot neighborhoods like Over the Rhine and Walnut Hills, but also up and comers like Price Hill and Northside, and lastly by the better restaurants in their own neighborhood. It is a shame because the location is superb and the building is unique in a repurposed sort of way, even though it was constructed during the golden age of chain restaurants.
Located in the building that was the former location of Hyde Park Savings and Loan, the interior makes use of the vault as a dining area, as well as several other bank inspired touches. Unfortunately, so much of the rest of the décor seems as if it is stuck in the early 1990’s, a la The Golden Girls. A coat of paint and maybe an upgrade in the carpet and other soft surfaces would easily fix this problem, but the other problems might be a bigger struggle to solve.
About a week and a half ago on what was probably the last cool Sunday of the spring, four friends and I decided to cap off our Sunday funday with an early dinner on the upstairs patio at Teller’s. Normally I rave about the outside space here, but since they didn’t have any outdoor patio heaters or a fire lit in the fireplace, it was very brisk outside once the sun set behind the taller building next door. The manager seemed perturbed that we asked him to light the fireplace and our server resorted to yelling across the patio at us to see if we needed anything. Keep in mind that we are talking about temperatures in the lower 60’s or upper 50’s. No one needed a parka so I’m sure it wouldn’t have killed our server to make the 20 foot walk across the frozen tundra of a patio to ask if we needed more drinks or if our food was ok. (Spoiler alert- it wasn’t.) Did I mention that we were not the only freezing patrons on the patio?
And speaking of drinks, 4 out of the 5 of us were ordering the 10K Mojito off of the featured cocktail list. There was nothing wrong with the drink itself, but what was wrong was the upcharge considering that as we were leaving we had one final cocktail at the downstairs bar and the bartender informed us that they hadn’t stocked the 10K rum for months, but he could make the drink with Bacardi. Let’s be clear, there is nothing at all wrong with Bacardi, but what IS wrong is charging $2.00 more for a premium liquor that you are not only not serving, but don’t even carry any more. The bartender not only did not offer to refund the difference, but he seemed bothered that we cared.
At this point, I’m sure you are wondering if we even ate food at all. To be completely honest, I barely remember my food except the fact that my Pork Belly Macaroni was almost completely devoid of pork belly. Since three of us ordered the macaroni as our entrée, 60% of us were similarly dissatisfied. One of the other entrees was not prepared as ordered and the other (scallops) was also unremarkable.
If unremarkable was best descriptive that I could use for Teller’s, I wouldn’t be concerned about their long term survival, but poor service and subpar food have a cumulative effect that people tend to have a hard time forgetting. I almost think that Teller’s is digging a hole from which they will have a very difficult time getting out.